NOTES ON RESURGANCE: BABY NO. 2
I KNOW ABOUT PREGNANCY SCARES & PREGNANCY PRAYERS. I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WANT SOMETHING I AM NOT READY FOR & TO LOSE SOMETHING I WORKED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE...
& I FIND MYSELF APOLOGIZING TO THE DOCTOR AT MY INITIAL APPOINTMENT. I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW—AT SOME POINT, YES, BUT NOT QUITE THIS SOON. & TO MY SURPRISE, SHE LAUGHED… & HOW OLD ARE YOU? SHE LOOKS AT HER CHART. 33? WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING? BLACK WOMEN APOLOGIZE. AT LEAST, THIS BLACK WOMAN APOLOGIZES. & FOR DAMN NEAR EVERYTHING. LIKE BEING 1 MINUTE LATE PICKING UP MY DAUGHTER FROM PRESCHOOL, OR FORGETTING TO FEED OUR DOG AS I APPROACH THE DOORWAY TO HIS CRIES, OR FOR WINNING ANOTHER WRITING CONTEST WHEN MY FRIEND JUST RECEIVED A REJECTION, OR FOR BEING IN LOVE WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD IS ON FIRE, FOR BEING PREGNANT… WHY WAS I APOLOGIZING? I SAT ON THE TABLE THINKING TO MYSELF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS A WOMAN WHO JUST FINDS OUT SHE IS PREGNANT CAN THINK: I MIGHT LOSE THE LITTLE FRIENDS I HAVE NOT LOST AFTER HAVING MY FIRST BABY. MY MOTHER IS GOING TO BE FURIOUS BECAUSE MOTHERHOOD MAKES HER FURIOUS, & THERE IS LITTLE I CAN DO ABOUT THAT. HOW A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE JUST RECENTLY SUFFERED A MISCARRIAGE & WHAT MAKES ME ANY DIFFERENT THAN HER, WHEN I’VE TASTED THE BLOOD OF DEATH TWICE, & WONDERED ALL THIS TIME, WHAT DID I DO DIFFERENT TO HOLD THIS LIFE TO TERM? WAS IT SOMETHING I ATE? WAS IT SOMETHING I READ? WAS IT FINALLY A PRAYER GONE ANSWERED? & NOT TO MAKE GRIEF YOUR GOD, BUT MY KNEES ARE HARD FROM MANY ALTARS, ALL UNDER MY MAKING. I HAVE DANCED WITH DEATH MY ENTIRE LIFE. & IN THAT, LONGED FOR SO MUCH PROPHECY: I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO SAY TO THE YOUNG, YOU ARE TOO YOUNG, & TO THE OLD, YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD. I KNOW ABOUT PREGNANCY SCARES & PREGNANCY PRAYERS. I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WANT SOMETHING I AM NOT READY FOR & TO LOSE SOMETHING I WORKED SO HARD TO ACHIEVE. & WITH ALL THE WISDOM THAT COMES FROM KNOWING & NOT KNOWING, I FIND MYSELF AN APOLOGIST STILL, IF NOT BY ROUTINE THEN BY BLOOD, BECAUSE BEING A BLACK WOMAN HAS OFTEN MEANT NEVER BEING ON TIME, OR RIGHT, OR GOOD ENOUGH…
IN THE STUDIO, UNDER THE SUNLIGHT, I LOOK INTO THE EYES OF MY CHILD’S SOON-TO-BE FATHER, & HE BALANCES HIS CAMERA IN ONE HAND, & THE WEIGHT OF THE REST OF THE WORLD WITH THE OTHER. & HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, “IF YOU WEREN’T ALREADY PREGNANT, YOU WOULD BE PREGNANT, BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.” & I LAUGH. WHEN WE MET, MY FIRST WORDS TO HIM WERE AN APOLOGY: I AM SORRY, BUT I AM NOT SURE IF I SHOULD BE DATING OR TALKING TO ANYONE. I HAVE LOST MY DAUGHTER, & I AM NOT WELL… & HE CORRECTED ME: WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING FOR SOMETHING THAT ISN’T YOUR FAULT? WHO MAKES IT OUR FAULT, OR WHERE WAS I WHEN I DECIDED TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS? WHEN I WAS TWELVE YEARS OLD, I WATCHED MY OLDER SISTER’S BEST FRIEND, ONLY 16-YEAR-OLD STAND IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH & APOLOGIZE FOR BEING PREGNANT. THE ELDERS SURROUNDED HER AND PRAYED FOR HER AS SHE STOOD IN HER DECISION TO HAVE AN ABORTION. I HAVE WATCHED BLACK WOMEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE COURSE OF THEIR LIVES ON TALK SHOWS, AND INTERVIEWS, EVEN TODAY, I ASK MY DAUGHTER TO EXPLAIN WHY SHE' HAS ACTED A WAY, BEHAVED A WAY. I SEARCH HER EYES SOMETIMES FINDING THE ANSWER AS CLEAR AS TEARS. SHE IS ONLY 4-YEAR-OLD. SHE IS CURIOUS. SHE IS HUNGRY FOR ATTENTION. HUNGRY FOR EXPERIMENTATION. AN ADVENTURESS, LIKE ME, HER MAMA.
IN MY LOVE’S EYES, I AM RIGHT WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE, UNDER THE SUN, UNDER THE SHADE OF PROTECTION, SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE MYSELF HARVESTING A WORLD OF MY OWN, OUR SON… & MOTHERHOOD MIGHT LOOK LIKE A NEW MOUNTAIN. A NEW VENTURE. ANOTHER TERRIFYINGLY BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCE AHEAD, BUT IT WILL BE MINE. & I AM LEARNING NOT TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY JOURNEY, BECAUSE PLACEMENT IS SPIRITUAL, & I AM SOMEHOW ALIGNED TO BE HERE, TO BE THIS ALIVE TWICE MORE. & NOT SO MANY BEINGS CAN BE BLACK & SAY THAT…
This is staggering. The way you crafted this piece is so visceral I couldn’t help but cry, because it’s the only way to express what I felt reading. Congratulations on this beautiful baby boy you are so blessed with already and so deserving of loving and mothering!
Congratulations on this new unexpected miracle! Our son was an unplanned pregnancy, at 34 no less! My husband and I had only been dating two months when I got pregnant (I had an IUD that came out, unbeknownst to me).
I took a pregnancy test three months after we met and three days before we had planned to fly to Georgia to visit my mom and stepdad together. It was a shock but we were already in love and serious about each other, we'd already talked about starting a family, and when I took the test I had such a feeling of peace.
It was fast (it still feels fast, three and a half years later!) but it was worth it and meant to be. Here's a little poem I wrote about our experience, called "Miracle." I hope it gives you peace, too. Blessings of love on you and yours.💗
Darling,
it is inevitable
that some people will call you
“Mistake,” before you’ve
ever entered this world.
That they will brand your
body before it is fully formed.
But I want you to know,
for every mouth curled
in shame, for every time
someone says “Mistake,”
I will say, “Miracle.”
For every whispered “oops,”
I will say, “hallelujah.”
I will sing words of love
into your just-beating heart
so that when your lungs
meet oxygen
for the very first time
you will know,
you are wanted.
You, are a celebration.
Darling,
it’s true your arrival
is unexpected,
that sometimes I struggle
to make a meal plan
and I’m not exactly sure
how to plan this.
Your Dad is so surprised,
he’s given up trying to control
or predict anything
and once you meet him
you will understand
what a big deal that is.
We are scared.
We are not sure how to proceed.
But our love is as big as this is fast.
Our hearts are as steady
as this is uncertain.
Our hands might shake
at the speed of the expansion
of our Universe,
but know this:
you are an overflowing
of all that is good in us.
You are a song we are still
learning to sing, a dance
we’ve never moved to yet.
You are a rare and holy thing,
a pinprick of light,
growing bigger every day.
Darling,
it is a dark world.
I cannot shelter you from that for long.
But you, child of my womb,
know that dark isn’t always bad
and light can sometimes harm.
You are as much soil
as you are star,
and we will navigate
this gravity together.