Notes from a Noncustodial Mom
Many systems have failed me as a Black woman—and especially as a mom. Emotional systems. Court systems. You name it. I am here because systems fail us all, and maybe that’s a good thing.
The week before I went into labor with my son, I was standing in front of the judge for a custody trial. Nine (9) months pregnant with my second child. Fifty-two (52) months postpartum since having my four-year-old (4) daughter. Thirty-three (33) months since a custody order has been in effect—the one that states my ex is my daughter’s primary and I, the noncustodial parent. The order I have petitioned the court to modify for twenty-three (23) months. Which makes it twenty (20) months since the day we were coming home, my daughter and I, from work and daycare, when Children’s Services would take her from my arms and I wouldn’t see her again until April 2024 (2024). Making this eleven (12) months since my daughter has been home.
If you are new here, hi. My name is Starr. I started this Substack at my most dangerous hour. It was over a year ago. I had just relocated to Texas, where my daughter was living with her father after he managed to win her in a custody trial. It has taken me years to prove this narcissism to the court. It has taken me years to heal. Many systems have failed me as a Black woman—and especially as a mom. Emotional systems. Court systems. You name it. I am here because systems fail us all, and maybe that’s a good thing. Breakdowns lead to new infrastructure. That’s where I am, 1-month postpartum, 3-months post court verdict. Most of the country is struggling with identity around family, parenting, and raising children. Everything involving childbirth is a political topic. When systems fail, we can focus on what truly matters: justice. We can build a community with passion to help us through that.
I write about social injustice towards moms in America. Especiall Black mothers in America. I tell my story. An unpleasant, very disappointing story about our justice system and what happened to me and my daughter. I write about my mistakes. Motherhood is full of them.
On this page, whether it be a poem, a story, or something unapologetically political about my motherhood journey, you will find truth. & passion about the truth. My debut poetry collection, AFFIDAVIT, is forthcoming this fall with Hanging Loose Press. I have other work in the world making its stamp that you can read here.
#MOMMYSDESK
The balance between motherhood and art is a myth. I am not here to offer you answers about how to do anything. Motherhood, in my eyes, is an art. Mothering in America is an extreme sport. We are all barely hanging on for our lives in this economy. On top of all the small, mundane things that come with raising children, there are the creative parts of ourselves always knocking: reading, writing, constructing. All I offer here is truth and space for the truth to live comfortably. For starters, I will begin a community soon for mom writers, simply in their space. Here is my space, the table I set up shop at two weeks postpartum to write again. I call it Mommy’s Desk. In this community, we will share the chaos of our writing spaces and share a writing goal for the week.
Lastly, I offer opportunities to continue being whoever you are, aside from being a mother. This July, I will be at the Torch Literary Retreat in Austin, Texas, for a week, working on my memoir project. A few months ago, I wrote about opportunities for mom artists—check it out. Making time for yourself is a must.
Journeying into the unknown realms of the legal world is unnerving. So, thank you for being here to support me, yourself, and others who are all trying to nurture what means most to us: our children, our inner child, and our work.
There are so many amazing mothers writing on Substack about their journeys, offering so much space and community to others. I would highly recommend
who talks about fatherhood, healing, and self-discovery. who writes on motherhood, the small intimacies, down to the complexes that go unnoticed. who just featured me on their page, you can check that out here. But this page talks about parenting and writing, and existing, please follow. I recently joined the directory for parent substacks. Feel free to go on and search this list as well for encouraging pages around these topics: https://unpopularparent.substack.com/p/parent-stack