I ADMIT. I AM 33 YEARS OLD, AND JUST NOW LEARNING TO PRESS MY TONGUE TO THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH TO SAY “NO.” THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME FOR MY MISFORTUNE. I WAS BORN TENDERHEARTED, TENDER-HEADED. AN ABSENT FATHER. A DOMINANT MOTHER. MY FIRST WORDS CAME AS A WHISPER. I WAS A TIMID, AWKWARD BLACK GIRL CHILD. I EVOLVED INTO A STILL SOMEWHAT TIMID, AWKWARD BLACK ADULT WOMAN. THE WORLD HAS DONE ITS BIDDING ON ME. I WAS BULLIED IN MY EARLIER YEARS FOR THE WIRES OVER MY GUMS HOLDING MY TEETH TOGETHER—TEETH JAMMED LIKE TRAFFIC. I WAS AFRAID TO OPEN MY MOUTH. AFRAID TO SHOW MY COMPLEXITY. THE NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE MEANT SAYING "YES" WAS MORE INVITING THAN SAYING "NO."
AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY CHILD’S FATHER ALSO PROHIBITED ME FROM SAYING THE WORDS “NO.” I AM WHAT MANY CALL “TOO NICE,” “TOO GULLIBLE.” A FRIEND ONCE SAID I WALK THROUGH LIFE WITH HEARTS IN MY EYES LIKE THE EMOJI, AND I AM UNSURE IF THAT IS A COMPLIMENT OR AN INSULT.
AND YET, HERE I AM—A MOTHER, A TEACHER. THE WORLD HAS CALLED ME TO THE STAND TO SPEAK, TO WITNESS, AND MY RESPONSE IS MUCH DELAYED: “NO.”
NO, I TELL MY TODDLER-DAUGHTER, YOU CANNOT HAVE A COOKIE FOR BREAKFAST. SHE ASKS ME THIS ON HER WAY TO PRESCHOOL. SHE IS ADDICTED TO STRAWBERRIES AND CHOCOLATE. I UNDERSTAND HER IRREGULARITIES AND HER PICKINESS. HOWEVER, IF I DON’T LEARN TO SAY “NO” NOW, IT WILL NEVER COME. AND STILL, SHE CHALLENGES ME, THE SAME WAY THE MEN OF MY PAST DID. SHE WAITS, HER EYES LINGERING IN THE POOLS OF MY OWN UNTIL I SINK AND GIVE HER MY SURRENDER.
MY CHILD’S NAME IS IN A COURT-ORDERED REPORT FULL OF NO’S. OUR LIVES ARE UNDER RESTRICTION. OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN UNDER INVESTIGATION. A LITANY OF NO’S TO MULTIPLE SOCIAL WORKERS, NO I DO NOT PHYSICALLY HARM HER. NO, I DON’T DO DRUGS. NO, I DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL.
HER BIRTH WAS FOLLOWED BY MY FIRST, NO, I WON’T ALLOW MY CHILD TO GROW AND WATCH ME BEATEN & WATCH ME DISAPPEAR. HER LIFE CALLED ME INTO ACTIVISM. & ISN’T MOTHERHOOD ALL POLITICS & LOVE. ISN’T IT RESSURECTION?
AND MY PARTNER EVEN TELLS ME, AS I SIT ON OUR BATHROOM FLOOR WEEPING FOR NOT RECEIVING A JOB PROMOTION AND FEELING AS IF I FAILED OUR LITTLE FAMILY, THAT “MY HEART IS TOO SOFT.” HIS HAND COVERS MY OWN. I AM STILL GIRLISH IN HIS PRESENCE, STILL UNABLE TO GIVE HIM MY EYES. HE FORCES MY CHIN UPRIGHT—SOMETHING MY 7TH-GRADE TEACHER USED TO DO WITH A WOODEN RULER—AND SAYS, “YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. YOU’RE A WINNER. AND JUST BECAUSE THEY SAID ‘NO,’ DOESN’T MEAN THE WORLD IS OVER.” MAYBE IT’S THE STING OF SO MUCH REJECTION, CONSTANT IN THE LIFE OF A WRITER. I HAVE MADE A CAREER OUT OF POURING OUT, SUBMITTING TO PUBLICATIONS, WAITING FOR ACCEPTANCE OR DENIAL. I HAVE GROWN NUMB TO THE CYCLE OF MISPLACEMENT. NOW, I AM ARRIVING AT A NECESSARY PLACE OF SELF-DISCIPLINE. THE NEED TO SAY “NO” RIGHT NOW IS SURVIVAL.
I FIND MY “NO” AS MY DAUGHTER’S TEARS GROW HEAVY AND FALL DOWN HER CHEEKS. I SAY IT AGAIN, TO CONVINCE HER, TO CONVINCE MYSELF. AND AGAIN. BECAUSE ALL DEATHS COME IN THREES, AND THE SOFTEST PART OF ME REQUIRES THIS EXECUTION.
WHEN A RESPONSE COMES FROM WORK PAST MY SET HOURS, I TEST MY TONGUE WITH ANOTHER HARD, “NO, I CANNOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW. I CAN, HOWEVER, GET TO THIS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.” AND WHEN THEY FIRE BACK WITH HOW DISAPPOINTING THAT IS, OR HOW THEY WILL REPORT ME TO MY LEADER—WHAT WOULD HAVE ONCE BROUGHT TEARS OR MORE WORK BRINGS A STRANGE SMILE TO MY LIPS.
WHAT IS THIS? CARELESSNESS? EVEN MY DAUGHTER’S HEAVY TEARS ROLLING DOWN HER FACE AFTER SHE REALIZES SHE WON’T GET THAT COOKIE DO NOT STIR ME. IT IS HARD, AND YET REFRESHING, TO HEAR MYSELF SAY “NO.” IT IS ALMOST CHILDLIKE, AND WONDROUS, HOW FLUID IT BECOMES ONCE THE RHYTHM COMES. MY DAUGHTER’S FIRST WORD WAS “NO.” AND, DAMMIT, IF I DON’T STILL LOVE THE WAY IT HITS THE ROOM WHEN SHE SAYS IT.
I LET HER “NO” BREATHE. I LET IT GROW. ONE DAY, HER MOST SINCERE “YES” MIGHT MAKE HER FORGET HER MOST SACRED “NO.” HOW MANY TIMES HAVE BLACK WOMEN SAID NO, AND NOT MEANT IT? & HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE SAID YES, AND MEANT NO, AND NO ONE CAUGHT IT? HOW MANY TIMES HAS BODY LANGUAGE SAID NO, AND THE WORLD CALLED US BITTER WHEN WE WERE EXERCISING EXCELLENCE AND REGALITY? & SOMEONE JOKES THAT I AM RAISING A RADICAL CHILD. WHEN IN REALITY, IT IS A RADICAL AGE THAT REQUIRES US BOTH TO BE THIS WAY.
WHEN DID YOU DISCOVER HOW TO SAY “NO”? HOW DOES IT RESONATE IN PARENTING? AND HAS IT GOTTEN EASIER OR HARDER AS THE YEARS GO ON?
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